We Build Then We Break
by emotionalrescue
Summary: Edward and Bella are high school sweethearts, until Edward suddenly packs up and leaves. Leaving behind only a note. How will Bella react to seeing him again? What secrets does she hold? How will Edward win her back, when she so clearly despises him no?
1. Nothing Ever Hurt Like You

**A/N This story will go between Bella and Edward's points of view. This story is also very personal to me, because it happened to me. I am changing a lot of stuff so that it is more fiction, than reality, but it is based on a very real and hurtful experience, so yeah, my now husband of almost 10 years left me when I was 19 and he was 21 by packing up his entire apartment and leaving me a note while i thought he was in Maryland visiting his best friend. It was a VERY hard time for me, as he is the love of my life, and i didn't get it at the time, but i do now, sort of ;) So the thoughts and feelings from Bella's point of view will be coming from the heart. Edward's points of view will be as real as i can get them from what my husband has told me about why and how he felt while he was away. I don't really believe in writing a weak Bella. I find it kind of pathetic when she is so clingy and doesn't stick up for herself. I think anytime a man hurts a girl so badly, he needs to get on his hands and knees and work for forgiveness. Anyhoo...here's the first chapter!!!**

EPOV

The sound of the rain hitting the window pane outside my apartment brought me back to a different time in my life. It reminded me of home. I haven't been back to Seattle in over 6 years. I left there when i was in my sophmore year of college at the ripe age of 20 years old. My reasons for leaving were stupid and it took almost 7 years of living the life i thought i wanted for me to figure it all out.

My thoughts always take a turn right about here, where i think back to the reasons i left, the reason i left her. I was such an idiot, i hurt her so badly, and i can't even look myself in the mirror most days when i think about what i have done to her. My Bella. I was so young, and naive. We were in love with each other since we were in Middle School, in 7th grade, she literally ran right into me, and i can honestly say it was love at first sight. She is the most amazing woman i have ever known, and i foolishly left her behind without even being man enough to face her. We were so in love, and although we were extremely happy together, i went into a sort of depressive funk, where i realized that my life was already over, and i wasn't even old enough to drink. I didn't know if i could be with her the rest of my life, and it scared the shit out of me, because that seemed to be where we were heading fast. We were inseparable, practically living together. She would spend most nights at my apartment and left a lot of her stuff behind.

I got so freaked that when i went to see my buddy James on the East Coast, i expressed my concerns about not wanting to settle down and he gave me an offer i couldn't refuse. While i was away on a vacation that my girlfriend was waiting for me to return from, i was plotting my way out of the relationship, and i knew if i had to face her, i wouldn't be able to leave. And I NEEDED to. She was my first everything, first kiss, first girlfriend, first love, first sex, and she is still the most amazing girl i have ever met. I still can't believe what an idiot i was for letting her go. She is probably one of the funniest people i have ever known, she could make anyone laugh, and drew people to her in a room like a moth to the flame.

She is also breathtakingly beautiful, and smart to boot. Shy and sweet, but also outgoing and a story teller that just commands your attention when she is speaking. She is really creative and her art is like nothing i've ever seen, and i miss her every second of the day, of every day i have been away from her, but i can't tell her that because she hates me now.

After a tearful call to my parents while i was away, they agreed to help me if it was what was going to make me happy, even though it pained them to hurt Bella that way, they loved her, and even though they didn't understand my need to leave, they supported me like parents are supposed to support their kids. They made it known they thought it was a mistake, but helped me pack up my apartment while Bella was in classes one day. It was the night i was set to return, and i had spoken to her on the phone the night before, where she told me she planned something special for us and couldn't wait to see me. I felt like i was going to vomit when i hung up the phone with her, knowing i was already back in Seattle and waiting for her to leave the apartment so i could clear it out and move my stuff into the moving truck and then to the other side of the country. My parents and I watched her leave the apartment that morning and she looked so beautiful and happy as she left that i almost called it off, but i knew i wouldn't be able to live with myself if i didn't go out and see if there was more to this life for me.

So we swiftly packed up all my belongings, and i put her things in a box and left a note on top of it. One i knew would feel like a swift punch to the gut when she read it, and i could only hope it was enough so that she didn't try to contact me, because i don't think i could have done it if she did. Hearing her pain first hand would have killed me. I will never forget the words i wrote, and i am sure she never will either, because after the damage was done, my parents told me it destroyed her, and she shut everyone out.

**Dear Bella,**

**I know this is a shock. I'm sorry it came to this, i've tried to tell you, but i can't seem to get the words out when i look into your eyes. I'm not happy here, there has to be more to this life for me, and i'm sorry it had to be this way. Don't try to contact me, it will just make this harder then it already is. Take care of yourself.**

**Edward**

Those are the cruel words i left her with. I left her believing that i didn't love her at all. She willingly gave herself to me, heart and soul and I stomped all over her trust and love and i was too much of a coward to do it to her face. I was the worst kind of monster. The worst.

After i left, i moved in with my buddy James in New York and attended NYU. I really thought moving away and getting life experiences away from my life in Seattle would be what i needed to not feel so suffacated. But after about 6 months living there, i realized i had it all wrong. I was absolutely miserable without my own personal sun in my life, lighting up my days. I never realized how much i depended on her positive attitude and constant happy outlook on life to get me by. By the time i realized this, it was too late. I tried to call her once about 6 months after leaving. She answered and as soon as she found out it was me, she told me to go to hell, and to leave her alone, and to quote "not make it harder than it already is." Her tone was cold and final. It was too late. Nobody would tell me anything about her. I still ask, but they simply don't know. She didn't stay in contact with the people we were friends with. Ben and Angela only know that she moved to Chicago, and if they knew more, they kept it secret from me, which i believe is how she wanted it. My parents said they heard she is doing well for herself, but didn't tell me any more than that...and the thought that she was living her life and doing well without me just about killed me, but that is my own fault.

After graduating with a degree in architecture i worked at a firm in New York City Volturri & Associates that ended up opening offices in Chicago as well, where i opted to transfer because of several reasons, first obviously being just being closer to my Bella, even tho i had no clue where she is, but it just made me feel better being nearer to her. The second reason being i was offered a huge promotion and pay raise to be head of the offices there. I had nothing holding me to New York, so i jumped at the chance. After working for them for 2 years, i decided to take some of the money from my trust fund and open my own firm. I now run an extremely successful architecture firm with over 50 employees. No small feat for an almost 27 year old man. I have done well for myself. I have everything i could ever have dreamed of, but i have never felt more alone. What good is success without someone you love to share it with?

I did my fair share of playing the field the last 7 years, i had two relationships that lasted more then 6 months, but nothing panned out. Currently i was seeing a strawberry blond named Tanya that worked two floors below me at an accounting firm. Nothing is serious between us, even though she has made it more then clear that she'd like to be. She fills a certain void in my life, but i just could never see myself with her for the long haul, in fact, she can be down right annoying, but the sex is decent so we end up going out once or twice a week. With that thought, i let out a breath i didn't know i was holding and climbed out of my bed to get ready for my day.

I showered and changed into a crisp black and white pin striped Armani suit with a silver metallic tie. I stopped at my favorite coffee shop and headed into the building that is now the home of Cullen Designs. I entered the lobby heading for the elevators when a flash of long brown locks caught my attention. Something in the air told me she was near. Sure enough as i was heading for the elevators, i saw her heading right towards me in a sexy as hell skirt and blouse with fuck me boots and her hair down in long waves. She was walking next to an attractive Italian looking gentleman who happened to have his hand on the small of her back. She looked more beautiful then i had ever even remembered if that was even possible. She just looked...mature, grown up, stunning. My breath left me in a woosh when her eyes landed on me. As soon as she saw me, several emotions skitted across her face before she cleared them all and became a blank mask of nothing, and walked right past me and out the doors without a glance back.

I stood there for what felt like an eternity realizing that she acted like i didn't even exist. Of 3 things i was absolutely sure. One, Bella Swan loathes me. Two, Bella Swan owns me, and three, i was still absolutely, head over heals irrevocably in love with her, and i needed to find a way to get her back in my life. There simply was no other way. I headed up to my office, and got right to work on trying to track down everything i could find out about Isabella Swan, and i told myself i would do anything possible to see that she was mine once again. I was a complete Douche, and i knew this wouldn't be easy, but nothing worth fighting for is.

**----------**

**Shall i continue?**

**Thoughts?? Review Please!!!**


	2. Flowers for a Ghost

**a/n Ok here is a bit of Bella's side of things....**

**BPOV**

I saw him today. He is here, in Chicago, and from the looks of it, he's not just visiting. He was in my building today, so i can only assume we work in the same God Damn building. What are the chances of that? Why does life hate me so much, to put the one man in the world i can't stand to be near? The worst part about seeing him, is that as soon as i saw his beautiful green eyes for the first time in almost 7 years, i immediately knew that i still loved him. What in the holy hell is wrong with me? I should hate him more than anyone has ever hated anyone. He doesn't even know the half of the hell i went through after he left. Of the mess he left behind.

He couldn't know, because i told nobody, except for Alice and Rose and they don't even know him, so i felt safe with them. My dad would never have told him, because he hates him too. I will never forget that day for as long as i live, the day i came back to his apartment and found his life with me gone. He left a lone box of my things packed by the front door with a note telling me it was over. I remember going into complete shock seeing the place that only hours earlier was filled with furniture and signs of our life together. I numbly read his note, then walked through the apartment like a zombie, finding only a few hangers left hanging in the closet where his clothes used to hang. Gone. He just left. I remember going back into the living area where my box of stuff lay, and dropping down to my knees and just staring at the wall for what felt like hours, it actually was hours. When the sun started to fall into the horizon and darkness fell over the apartment, only then did i let a strangled sob escape my lips. I doubled over in pain, clutching my stomach and crying until i couldn't see out of my swollen eyes any longer, and when the tears stopped, the nausea came, and i heaved the contents of my stomach over and over until nothing was coming out, and i was just heaving.

My eyes landed on the two paper bags of groceries that i had brought to put together the surprise that I told him about, and the tears started up again. See the thing that he didn't know, the thing that really killed me, was that i had found out that i was pregnant just 2 days before he left. It wasn't planned, it was a total shock and i was scared as hell to tell him. I was only 19 years old. I was on the pill but apparently the pill isn't as effective if you have taken a round of anti biotics, which pretty much turns it ineffective. Yeah, they should have told me that when they gave me the damn antibiotics, but they didn't and i found myself pregnant at 19. I was scared to death to tell my dad, because i knew i would see disappointment there. The only thing that i held on to was that at least Edward and I were madly in love. A baby is a challenge, but our love for each other would get us through it. Boy was I wrong.

After i finally cried the last of my tears, i got up off the floor and picked up my box of things, not bothering with the bags of food i had purchased and walked out the door. I numbly remember driving myself to Forks, which now looking back i realize was not a smart or safe idea.

I got to my dads house at like 3 in the morning, and as soon as he opened the door to me, the tears came again, and I told him everything. I have never seen my father so angry before, and he tried several times to get up and call his parents to find out where the mother fucker went off to. But i begged him not to. He told me he wasn't happy, and i am not pathetic enough to beg him to stay just because he knocked me up. I told my dad i was going to do this on my own, and i meant it. The next day, i got on the phone and called my cousin Alice. Her and I were best friends since we were babies, the only problem, is that she is living in Chicago. I told her the whole story, and she had a flight booked for me to come out and live with her and her roomate Rose the next day.

I told Charlie i couldn't be around home for a while, and i was going to Alice, and Chicago to try and start over, and do what's best for this baby. I was excepted to North Western when i applied, but went to U of W Seattle instead to stay close to Edward, so i figured i could reapply to start the next semester, and pick up where i left off with school, and hopefully work a part time job to support myself and the baby while trying to finish my degree. I was going to school for a degree in Psychology, and i had dreams of becoming a doctor. I really hoped i'd be able to accomplish it all. I had an inheritance that i could use to keep me a float until i could finish school, but i was under no dillusions about how hard it was going to be, i knew it was going to be a fight to do it all. I was just lucky that the money aspect was not as much of an issue as it could have been. I figure a job on the weekends would be able to give me some extra spending money, while my inheritence money could support my bills and such, as well as things i'd need for the baby. Thank you Nana Swan! I still can't believe that i was able to get my life packed up and ready to start fresh in just 24 hours, but my friends and family helped me tremendously, and during that time when i was in survival mode, i didn't have the chance to think about the gaping hole that was now in my chest, i just started living as if i wasn't even there.

The depression kicked in somewhere around my 8th week of pregnancy, after my first ultrasound. Alice went with me, and when i saw that little flickering heartbeat, i lost it. I cried so hard that i thought my head was going to explode. Alice got me home and put me into bed, where i pretty much stayed for the next 3 weeks. I didn't have anything to do, because i wasn't starting school again until the next semester, so i would get up, eat, and then go back to bed or watch tv blankly in my room until i fell asleep for the night once again.

The worried glances between Alice and Rose told me it wouldn't be long before they would be intervening. They let me wallow for 3 weeks before the intervention took place, and slowly i started coming out of my cave to make them happy. I started looking for a job, and ended up finding one at an Art Gallery where i worked the front desk on the weekends. It paid well and i got to be around art and things that i was familiar with and had a geniune love for. My boss was a great woman named Audra and we became great friends.

Life went on and soon i found myself at my 20 week ultrasound, where i found out i would be having a little baby girl. I cried again, but this time it was much easier to bounce back. I now thought about what kind of example i wanted to set for my daughter, and being a mopy depressive mess over a guy was not something i would want her to know about me, so i vowed from that day on to live the best life i could live, even if i didn't feel whole anymore, i was going to try as hard as i could to make something of myself, and try and find love with someone else. I deserved to be happy. He was off making himself happy and dammit i deserved it as well!

4 weeks later i found myself in my OB/GYN's office for my routine check up. I was still only coming once a month, but soon i'd be in the 3rd trimester where i'd have to come every other week, and then every week during the last month. I laid down on the table and rolled down my maternity jeans and pulled up my shirt so my doctor could listen to the heartbeat and take some measurements of baby girl. He put the transducer on my stomach searching for the heartbeat, and i noticed he was taking longer than normal time to find it...and that scared me, most times he went right to it, knowing most likely where it would be. He got a curious look on his face, and his brows furrowed, and he explained that he was going to go get the ultrasound machine to get a better look. My heart was pounding so hard, the blood pumping in my ears so loud making it almost impossible for me to hear. I didn't have Alice with me today, and i really wish i would have asked her to come, because i was freaking out.

He rolled back in with an ultrasound machine and started looking around to find that little flicker of the heart on the screen....after about 1 minute, i knew without a doubt, the baby was gone. There was no movement like i'd seen on previous ultrasounds, and the grim look on the doctors face comfirmed my fears. He calmly explained to me that the baby's heart has stopped beating and that we would have to induce labor. I numbly nodded in all the right places, but all i could think about was that it was over. The last piece i had of the man i loved was gone. That baby was everything to me, and now i was really alone. I called Alice and Rose and they rushed to the hospital where they had started me on a pitocin drip to induce the contractions that would expell the fetus from my body. After about 4 hours of labor, and 2 small pushes, my little girl was born without a heartbeat...a stillbirth they called it. They told me that 1 in 200 pregnancies end in stillbirth and that the cause is often unknown, and many women go on to have healthy babies without complication. They cleaned her off and handed her to me. She was old enough that she was completely formed, i marveled at her small body, very tiny and wrinkled but all the fingers and toes where there, and a beautiful button nose. I held her for about a half hour before they took her away. We decided to have a small funeral for her where i decided to have her creamated so that we could bury her in Forks near my mother's grave. I named her Lucia Carlie Swan. She came into the world weighing 1.3 pounds and was about 11 inches long. So tiny, and perfect, but never had the chance to take a breath. My heart was shattered for the second time in as many months and i really fell into the black whole after we buried my baby. Her tombstone read as follows:

Lucia Carlie Swan

April 11, 2002

Your absence has gone through me

Like thread through a needle.

Everything I do is stitched with its color.

We love you our angel

I used a WS Merwin quote on her tombstone, and gave her Carlie as a middle name after Charlie and Carlisle the two grandfather's she'd never had a chance to meet. I never told Edward, even after i received a call from him right after Lucy died. I couldn't deal with him, i threw his words back at him, told him to leave me alone and not make it any harder, i was sick with grief, and i was having a hard time believing that of all times he chose to call after i had just found i was unable to carry our baby to term. I was riddled with guilt for failing her, and for not telling him about her when he called, but at the time i didn't feel i owed him anything, he chose to leave me, and that was that. What he doesn't know won't hurt him right.

Then today i am walking through the lobby of my building with Rafe, my boyfriend of the last 6 months, and my eyes land on a pair of emerald eyes i would know from anywhere, and they were looking straight at me. I felt my heart stop for a split second as i took in his appearance, in a dark pin stripe suite and silver tie, hair a beautiful mess as always, but he looked different as well. Grown, mature, and sad. I saw the longing way he was looking at me, and it snaps me right out of it, and i clear my face of any emotion, because it will be a cold day in hell before i let him back into my life after what i went through. If i didn't have Alice and Rose, i wouldn't have survived it. He owes me an explanation, and one way or another, i am going to get it. But not today, today he can watch me walk away and out of his life thinking i didn't care that he existed, exactly like he did to me. After rounding the corner, and being out of his sight, i let myself take a breath, and try to calm the pounding of my heart, one thing i was certain, nobody got my heart pumping like Edward Cullen.

**a/n: In my real life story, i had a miscarriage as well, but it was during the 7th week, so it was considered miscarriage, after 20 weeks is considered being still born. We also lost another baby after we were married about a year, and that was a second trimester loss, so i relate very personally with this, and her feelings during her time of loss will be touched upon much much more. Thanks for reading, and hopefully for reviewing.**


	3. Never Say Never

**I think there will be like 1 more chapter in BPOV before they have some face to face interaction, hang in there, it's coming :)**

**I don't own Twilight, but i do own an iSqueeze from Brookstone that my husband got me for mother's day one year...it's totally awesome :) **

EPOV

After googling her to try and find some information regarding Bella, i found she has an office in the building i work in. She rents a small space in the building my offices are in where she has her own practice, now known as Dr. Isabella Swan. She became a psychologist, just like she always wanted. I knew she plowed through undergrad in like 2 1/2 years. She took on an insane work load.. She was 19 when i left, and more than half way through her undergrad. She skipped first and second grade and graduated the summer before her 17th birthday. She started college just before her 17th birthday. She is insanely smart, and excelled at pretty much every subject she set out to conquer. I admire her drive now, but back then, it kind of annoyed me that she didn't enjoy being a teenager a bit longer. Now at almost 26, she is a doctor. I also found a website that she is using to display her photography and offer her services. That was always her favorite past time, besides painting and a slew of other artsy hobbies. She loved anything artsy and always felt that photography was one of the most beautiful art forms out there. She took some really cool pictures back when we were together, and from the looks of her web page, her talent has grown by leaps and bounds.

I also found her on Facebook. I was shocked that i never thought to stalk her on Facebook before, and lucky for me, she doesn't have her page private, so i can see her info, even though it looks as though she doesn't update her page often. I noticed her career stuff that i already found out about, and that she was in a relationship with someone named Rafael Balestreri. As i clicked on her photo albums, i tried to prepare myself for what i might see. I was not prepared. Nothing could prepare me for what i saw. She was just simply stunning. Growing older has been very good to her. She looks happy. I saw several albums of her and two other girls that i don't know. A beautiful woman with long blond hair, and a girl with blackish hair that came to her shoulder, all with huge smiles on their faces. Some pictures included two other guys, one hulking guy with dimples and a guy with blond wavey hair and piercing blue eyes. Then some photos included who i could tell by the tags in the photos was this Rafael guy.

Some of the albums were just of her and him. I felt my breath hitch when i looked at an album that was labeled "St. Lucia" that had shots of Bella in a very sexy black bikini, some in a white bikini and some in a turquoise bikini along with other shots of her in a warm weather clothes that showed me too much of her beautiful skin. One was a picture of a bare chested Rafael in white and green board shorts smiling a huge trident white teeth smile with the caption "Swoons" under it. *Gags* More pics of Bella scantily clad were making the room seem hotter. I had to click out of those pictures before i had a problem while at work that i didn't need to deal with right now. The problem growing in my pants. Shit. I clicked back to her profile and noticed some of her interactions with her friends, and i could tell one thing that hasn't changed...her sense of humor. Some of the groups she belongs to cracked me up. Apparently she was a fan of slapping the shit out of stupid people and a member of a group titled...If I see one more douche wearing plaid shorts, a polo and sandals, ima puke! That had me chuckling as i continued my online stalking of Bella Swan.

I noticed a note she posted just a few months ago, the day after my birthday. I clicked on it to read it, since it was the day after my birthday.

It was labeled "There is a Reason." It was a poem of some kind, so i decided to read it.

They say there is a reason,

They say that time will heal,

But neither time nor reason,

Will change the way I feel,

For no-one knows the heartache,

That lies behind my smiles,

No-one knows how many times,

I have broken down and cried,

I want to tell you something,

So there won't be any doubt,

You're so wonderful to think of,

But so hard to be without.

At the end of the poem, was just a short note that Bella must have wrote, about it making her think of Lucy. Whoever Lucy was, i don't know, but i have to say i am curious about it. I scrolled down and noticed at least 25 comments on the poem with some sort of condolence or sad face. Who is Lucy? Whoever it is, she must have loved her, the poem clearly shows that.

I clicked off of the cryptic poem and decided to send her a friend request, with a small note. I typed and re-typed what i wanted to say before i finally settled on this:

Bella,

I saw you this morning in the lobby of my building, you look beautiful. I really just wanted to see if i could find you on here, and maybe we could catch up. I have really missed you, and hope you are doing well.

Love Always,

Edward

I hoped it wasn't taking it too far. I clicked off her page, and tried to not refresh the page every 5 minutes to see if she accepted my friend request. I tried to focus on my work, i had several blue prints i needed to work on, but my mind was all wrapped up in her. Part of me was so happy that she did what i wanted, and went out and found a life without me, but the bigger more dominant part of me was undeniably jealous by the fact that she had a whole life that i wasn't a part of, that i didn't know anything about. The worst of which being she seemed to be in a serious relationship. Fuck!

I yanked my hands through my hair pulling it up roughly and then used the palms of my hands to rub my eyes before deciding to take a break and get a cup of coffee.

I tried really hard when i got back into my office 10 minutes later, to ignore my computer. I mean, she might not have even checked her computer today, or this week for that matter. I needed to just chill out.

And i did. For 2 hours, and then i resumed checking it every 30 minutes until the end of the day, and then again when i got home that night.

This continued on for 2 weeks. I noticed that she had updated her status at some point. "Busy week. I'm so tired, i don't even have the energy it takes to do nothing." Which was then followed by about 20 comments of people talking about different stuff they had seen or done with her, making it obvious she had a busy social life, but apparently it was too busy to accept my friend request, and write back to me, because there was nothing in my in box, and that left me feeling......crushed.

I know i don't have a right to feel crushed after what i did to her. I was an idiot back then, i know this. I just wish...i don't know what i wish. I guess i wish she would at the very least be able to be my friend. Not that i could ever be just friends with her. That was the whole reason i felt i had to take such drastic measures in the first place, i knew i couldn't see her and talk to her without wanting much more.

There was a pull between us that i still can't really explain. We just were. It was so comfortable and perfect, and i fucked it up by going out and trying to find myself. We were so opposite in all the right ways, that we just meshed, and chilled, and loved without any complexities. It reminds me of that Pablo Neruda poem that she always loved....

"I love you without knowing how,

or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly,

without complexities or pride,

So i love you because i know no other way."

That was us in a nutshell. We just knew no other way. I am such an idiot, and if i can't get her back in my life in some way, i know this will be the one thing i will regret until the day i die. I will never love someone like i loved her. I just didn't think it was possible to find the "one" at such a young age. Looking back now, at the rat race that has become my life, if i could go back to that time and know what i know now, i would have asked her to marry me right then and there. Knowing how shitty this dating game is. It's annoying. Nobody fits the bill, everyone has been measured and compared to her in every way, and of course nothing has come close, because they are simply not Bella.

My thoughts are becoming increasingly depressing as the days wear on, but suddenly a thought comes to me that gives me just an inkling of hope. If i know that she was the "one" my soul mate, my other half, and i let her go, doesn't that mean, that I am hers as well? She may be in a relationship trying to move on, but could she really love him the way she loved me? That little gleam of doubt that it could not be what she needs, refueled my desire to try and win her back. I decided then and there, once again, that i would do anything, say anything, and put up with anything she sends my way, for just one more chance to show her she is it for me, and that i was such an asshole for not believing what my heart already knew. I just hoped she doesn't keep ignoring me. Just as i thought this, i checked my facebook and noticed that i was now "friends" with Isabella Swan, and my inbox was lit up with a little number 1 with a circle around it. I clicked on it, and held my breath while i read what she had to say.

TBC.....


	4. Heartbreak Warfare

**a/n Cast of this story and some outfits and stuff is posted on my profile, i will be posting Bella's Apartment pics later today. Another note at the bottom, please please review.**

BPOV

"He fucking friend requested me on Facebook Alice!!!!!" I screamed at my best friend.

"Fucking douche bag, he's a douche seriously Bella. He all talks like he didn't rip your heart out and stomp on it. Like 7 years will make you

forget the hurt he put you through." Alice said.

"I know, i'm just so confused right now. I am just glad right now i am not single. At least i have a fuck hot boyfriend to shove in his face, but knowing

him, he probably has some beautiful blond slut hanging off his arm, i mean that is why he did it, when he went off to "find himself" right?" I ranted.

"Rafe is so much hotter than Edward, for sure. And he treats you like an Italian princess, so just forget he even friend requested you, and keep

having your daily multiple orgasms with the Italian Stalian. Jesus, if i didn't have Jasper, i would take a piece of that anyday, but really, Edward is pretty

hot too....damn, just damn Bella." she trailed off.

"ALICE!!! Stop day dreaming about the men in my life, Jasper is a fine specimen. What do i do Alice? Should i ignore it? I really really want some answers.

I can't just let him act as though nothing happened. I need to talk to him, i need to tell him exactly what his actions put me through, he deserves to

feel like shit. I want him to feel like shit."

"Oh honey, i'm so sorry you are going through this now, just when things are seeming to be perfect in your life, he comes storming back in to screw it all up.

OMG, he's your Mr. Big!!!! Carry Bradshaw is right, men must have some kind of radar when they know their ex's are finally finding some happiness so they can

stroll back in and shit all over it." Alice said.

"Yes, oh my god, he's my Mr. Big. How many times did she let him stomp on her heart before it worked out for them? I don't know if i am strong

enough to deal with it at all, let alone let him in to my inner circle again. I don't even think i can be friends or friendly with him. The site of him simultaneously

makes me swoon and burn with rage. He has this hold over me like nobody every has, and you have first hand knowledge of how Rafe can make me feel,

but Edward, he always could set my body a fire, and dammit, just seeing him for 2 minutes in the lobby brought it all back like a cold bucket of water dumped

over my head. I hate him." I said.

"I hate to burst your hate bubble, but you don't hate him. You should, but you don't. You need to talk to him. Plain and simple. Clear the air, and then see

how you feel afterwards." She said.

"You are right. I want answers. I am going to send him a message later on, and see if we can meet up, but i better get back to work, i have a 3:00pm appointment, and then i am off to my

apartment for the night, where i will swiftly drink myself into a Moscato induced coma." I said walking towards the front door of Alice's boutique.

"Ok babe. Call me later and i am here if you need ANYTHING. Oh and Bella?

"Yes Alice?"

"Dress to give that mother fucker a heartattack." She said with that evil pixie grin.

"I am going to dress like me, but maybe the me of now will give him one, i am not 19 anymore....and he hasn't seen me in years, so whatever, wish me luck." I said.

"Good Luck." I heard her yell as i left her store and made my way back to my office for my last appointment of the day.

After my last session, i decided to accept his friend request, and send a message asking if he would like to meet up.

Edward,

Free for coffee or drinks tonight? Lots to talk about.

Isabella Swan

Ha.

I put Isabella, that should send a message that he is not in my inner circle any longer. It felt like seconds later i got an instant message through facebook from him.

_Edward Cullen: Yes, i'm free, name the time and place._

_Isabella Swan: Tonight 6:30, there is a Starbucks a block from my building. 1215 Michigan Ave._

_Edward Cullen: I'll be there, can't wait to see you. xoxo_

_Isabella Swan: Very well, see you later._

I clicked off the page without another look. I closed down my laptop, packed up my things and made the trek home. I texted Rafe and told him i had a meeting tonight and would call him when i got home. I felt slightly guilty for not clarifying it was a personal meeting, but i would tell him about it when i saw him next. He knows the story, after 6 months of dating, i felt comfortable enough to tell him the whole story, and he has been very loving and supportive. He is a brilliant Plastic Surgeon here in Chicago, and manages to fit me into his schedule more often then not, so i know he is definitely into me. And truthfully i am really into him as well. His accent alone drives me insane. He is an amazing cook, and we mesh really well. I met him years ago when he bought a piece of Art from me at the gallery i worked for all through college. We started out just as friends, occasionally running in the same circles, it wasn't until 6 months ago that we really started to hang out and he told me that he has had his eye on me for years. He has a great sense of humor and gets my stupid jokes, and loves watching movies that are so dumb you have to laugh, in a word he's perfect.

Things got heavy between us pretty quickly. Did i mention he is 10 years older than i am. It shows too, not in his looks, he looks my age, but he has his life figured out and is exactly where he wants to be, the only thing he said he was missing was a beautiful woman who he could settle down with. What girl doesn't want to hear that right? Oh and did i also mention he is fucking gorgeous? His dark hair and eyes and olive skin is just the tip of the iceberg. He has the most amazing body, and is extremely romantic. He will sometimes just take me in his arms and start dancing with me, in the middle of the street sometimes even. He just has blown me away in so many ways. Somedays i wish i would have met him first. I really do.

If i didn't love Edward Cullen first, this would be so easy, but i always just told myself that you never forget your first love and that he would never really be gone from my heart. But now he is all of a sudden back in my life and i can't understand why i suddenly feel my heart split into two. The love i have for Rafe is so easy. So comfortable. But on the other hand, the love i feel for Edward is...something that is other worldly. Oh God, i'm so screwed. I should just cancel, and forget about him the best i can. He is going to bring up things that i can't get passed. I just don't know how i am going to do this. Suddenly i remembered my little bottle of Xanex in my purse and felt the courage to go through with this.

I went to my bedroom and thumbed through my closet to try and figure out what to wear, that would say "Ha, you can't touch this" without coming off slutty. I went for a cute belted summery dress. Black with plaid underlay, and black sandles, silver hoop earings and my favorite silver watch. I spritzed on some Lovely and put on a coat of lip gloss, picked up my purse and headed out to meet up with my past.

When I arrived at the coffee shop, he was already there, figiting nervously at a table near the back that provided semi privacy. I walked into the coffee shop and immediately our eyes locked and i made my way back towards him. He stood up to greet me, and i suddenly felt really awkward about how to say hello. The man had been inside me. This was beyond weird for me. He stood and leaned in to give me a friendly hug where he held on a little too long.

"Can i get you something to drink?" He asked softly.

"Yes please. Sport Tea. Thanks." I said, watching him go to place our orders. A few minutes later, he returned with our drinks and sat down with a sigh, and looked right at my face and i tried hard not to look at his eyes.

"So...." I began, while fideling with my napkin.

"So. How have you been Bella?" he asked, snapping me from my nervous state.

"How have i been? You want to know how i have been?" I asked with a little more venom then i intended.

He blanched at my tone. I took a deep breath, and started to feel the Xanex relaxing my system. I can get through this. I can tell him what he missed the last 7 years, and how i am. If he really wants to know, here it goes.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound so bitter. It's been 7 years, i didn't think i had any anger lingering." I lied while chuckling slightly.

"Listen Bella. I'm sorry. I know i am beyond the lowest form of scum there is, i don't deserve to breathe your air space, but i just had to see you. I have

never let a day go by where i didn't think about you. You always have, and always will be the most amazing woman i have ever met, and i just wanted you to know that i am sorry, from the bottom of my cold black heart for what i did to you. I was young and stupid and influenced by a friend who didn't really have my best interests at heart. It doesn't excuse anything, because i don't have an excuse, other than the fact that i am a complete idiot, and let the love of my life go, thinking it was impossible to find true love at such a young age." He rushed out quickly, while all the air wooshed out of my lungs. I stared at him for a beat with my mouth agape, before i dipped my head down to collect my thoughts on how to tell him everything. I finally looked back up and saw the sincerity in his eyes, but it did the opposite of what it should of, it just made me unbelievably angry.

"Well, i'm glad you at least know you fucked up. The only problem is, you don't even know the half of the mess you left behind. But you won't have to wonder much longer, because i am about to tell you." I said with very little emotion. I had to remain stoic and cold as I told him this, because i know his reaction is going to be heartbreaking to watch, let alone to be the one to deliver the news to him.

"That day, when i came home and found your note. The night i was expecting you home. I had planned a surprise for you....do you remember?" I asked.

"Yes, i do, god Bella, i'm so sorry." he started, but i held my hand up to stop him.

"Let me finish. Well the surprise was that i had found out 2 days prior that i was pregnant." I paused there, to let him absorb that information.

His face dropped into a shocked and pained expression.

"P-Pregnant? Are you serious right now? Why didn't you tell me? Do we have a child? That i never met? How could you keep this from me?" he asked, growing angry before my eyes. Which only succeeded in me growing angrier.

"Shut your fucking mouth right now." I hissed. "You know nothing. You never gave me a chance to tell you, and i wasn't about to track you down on your mission of self discovery because you fucking told me not to, what was it "make this any harder than it already was?" I spat. "How dare you sit there after 7 years and try to act like you are the victim here. You left me. You left me without so much as a goodbye to my face, you fucking coward. I hate you for what you did to me. I loved you so much, you don't even know, you could never know what you leaving did to me. The only thing that got me through it at all was my friends and the baby that i had inside me. I went on for her. Only for her. She was the last piece of you i had, and i let that get me out of one of the darkest times of my life." I said, calming slightly thinking about my sweet baby girl.

"Her? So we have a daughter?" he asked in a calmer but also tortured and strained tone.

"Yes and No." I said trying to steel myself for the next words. "She-she died." I croaked. "She died in my 24th week of pregnancy. A still birth. I gave birth to her. She weighed just almost 2 pounds and was 11 inches long, i held her tiny still body in my arms for a short while, and she was perfect. She already had a light dusting of bronze hair." I said getting choked up again. I cleared my throat and continued. "They don't know what caused her heart to stop, but it did. We buried her in Forks next to my mother. I named her Lucia." I said wiping the tears that began to freely fall from my eyes now. It was still so painful...i just never think i will be able to talk about it without this hole being ripped through me. I chanced a look at Edward and saw him silently staring at me with glistening emerald eyes, as a tear slowly slid down his cheek.

"Lucia." he said it like a prayer. "She died? You went through it alone? You never told me. Why?" he asked so quietly i almost didn't hear him.

"You made it clear you wanted to take a different direction with your life. I didn't want to saddle you with an unwanted child and a loveless relationship and all that baby mama drama, so i just didn't tell you. Only Charlie, Alice and my friends here in Chicago know. It was over 6 years ago. I felt we are both at a safe place in our lives where you deserved to know that you had a daughter at one point. It felt too fresh, for too long, i couldn't even talk about it for a good year after we buried her. I went into a very deep depression that i nearly didn't escape from. It is still a struggle to keep my head above water. You want to know the worst part? The hardest part to overcome, besides the guilt, was that she was the last piece of evidence that my love for you existed. You went away, like i was nobody to you, while i was left feeling like my heart went with you, and my body stayed to live in the agony of your absence. It was so pathetic." I said wiping the last few tears, and getting ready to leave, this was what i came for, and his answer about just being stupid pretty much put to rest any questions i had. He was just an idiot. He threw it all away, for nothing.

"Bella. I....." he whispered with tears still freely falling from his emerald eyes, each one slicing through me like a razor blade. I knew he would react this way, i knew he wasn't a cold heartless bastard, but now he can feel the hurt too. I don't have to bare that burden alone anymore. He deserves to feel the hurt too.

"Just, save it. It's all in the past. You had a right to know. When you called me 6 months after you left, it was 3 days after her funeral. If you would have called just a few weeks earlier, there may have been hope for us, but when you called begging for a second chance after i buried our daughter, i knew all hope for us was lost. I'm sorry Edward. I am sorry i couldn't keep her safe, and i am sorry i wasn't enough for you. It was really nice seeing you, i am glad you look and seem to be doing well, but i think we have said all we need to say to each other." I said, standing and turning to leave.

I quickly left a stunned Edward sitting there in the coffee shop, desperate to hold it together until i reached my apartment a block away. I wasn't fast enough though, and he managed to catch up with me.

"Bella! Wait, Bella, please wait." he yelled desperately.

I felt his fingers wrap around my elbow as he pulled me into an alley off the sidewalk. He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me and totally lost it. He starting sobbing uncontrollably into my neck, holding me like a vice. I just stood there for a bit, before the electric current running between us became too strong and i wrapped my arms around him and let him cry.

"Bella, i'm so sorry, sorry for everything i have ever done to make you cry, i am sorry that i wasn't there for you, i never ever stopped loving you, never, not one day, i had all these thoughts that i would, but i never did. You mean everything to me, you have to know, if i would have known, i would have come back immediately, i would have married you, and been the best husband to you. I love you, please believe me. I'm sorry, i'm sorry. Please forgive me. Please. I can't live without you any longer. Please let me make this right for you, for us. Please Bella. Please tell me you still love me, or could love me again." He begged while maintaining a death grip around my waist.

I held him a moment longer. Running my fingers through his hair, like 7 years hadn't passed between us. He finally looked up into my eyes, and took my face between his hands, looking deep into my eyes.

"You are so beautiful, you are the most beautiful woman i have ever seen." He said rubbing his thumbs along me cheeks. "Please tell me it isn't too late for us." he begged again.

"Edward. I do love you." I admitted, as hope suddenly filled his features. "I will always love you Edward, even though you were a complete ass for leaving me, i can never deny that i love you in my heart. But, in our case, it just isn't enough. I don't trust you, and i probably never will. You were my whole life Edward, we grew up together, and you slapped me with this out of left field, when i had no clue you were even unhappy, you could have talked to me, but you didn't. How will i ever be sure? If i gave you that chance again. How will i not be able to worry myself sick each day wondering if i am going to come home and find you gone again? Bored with me, with the life we had that i loved. That i cherished with you. How can i ever let you hurt me like that again? I can't. I won't. I am with someone else now, he loves me, he treats me like i am his world, and he wants what you never wanted. Me, a life, children, for always, no regrets. I can't gamble with my heart anymore, there isn't enough left for you to break Edward. I just...i have to go. I'm sorry." I looked into the sad depths of his emerald eyes and saw the light fade from his eyes, and it nearly killed me.

"Let's just say Goodbye here. If you someday feel we can be friends, you know how to reach me now. But i can't give you more." I continued.

He reached for my cheeks again, and leaned in to place his lips softly to mine. The familiar jolt of fire burst through my veins as his kiss deepened and i felt the tears threatening to burst forth and break me down for good. He deepened the kiss and i moaned into his mouth as all the familiar feelings rose within me, of how this man could set me on fire with his touch, his kiss. The electric kiss. I finally found the strength to pull away, gasping for air as he released me from his hold. He slipped his arms around my waist and pulled me into a tight hug, his warm breath on my ear.

"You may think this is Goodbye Isabella, but it isn't for me. I am never going to give up. That kiss told me everything i needed to know. You are still the only woman who can turn me rock hard and make my heart beat out of my chest with just a kiss, and i will never give up trying to make you mine. You were always enough, i was an idiot, and i will spend the rest of my days proving to you that you can trust me. So call this goodbye if you will, but it isn't. I won't stop Bella, you are the one for me, and one day you will wake up and see that i am still the one for you. I'll be waiting." he said before releasing me and abruptly taking a step back.

He turned and left the alley, and i took a deep breath trying to calm the thumping of my heart, racing a mile a minute beneath my chest. I stepped back onto the sidewalk and made the short walk back to my apartment, where i planned to get rip roaring drunk. Edward Cullen just tipped my world on it's axis, but i am not going to deal with that tonight, tonight i got other plans. First of which involved a call to a very hot man, that happens to worship me. I am going to fuck the memory of Edward Cullen right out of my system, and tomorrow i will be just fine. I can do this. I can't let him get to me. I am not his anymore. But God help me if his words didn't make my heart slowly start to piece itself back together. I am so screwed.

**A/N: Sorry it was so long for this update. I have been mourning the loss of one of my best friends and have been kind of down...and i have a very active almost 3 year old that keeps me busy. Thanks for your patience. I listened to John Mayer's new cd while writing this chapter, specifically the song Heartbreak Warfare. I will try to write and update more often, lately i have been reading more to escape from real life, and haven't written much. Hope you are all doing well, and don't forget to review. I am not sure when i will update my other stories because i am kind of stuck on this story right now, and feel i need to write it all out and then go back to the other stories. Stay tuned...**


	5. AN

Hello readers of my little story here. I just wanted to apologize for the lack of updates on all of my stories lately

real life has been nuts, i hate author notes and fake out updates, and i do intend to continue writing this story

and it may be more theraputic than ever, and may get angstier than i intended....reason being. My sister, who is

my best friend in the whole world, has had 3 miscarriages and this year finally got pregnant and carried the baby

to term. She went into labor on 1/14/10, and did awesome...she made it to 10cm, but couldn't get the baby to

come down, so an idiot doctor that was "on call" decided to try to vacuum her down into a better pushing position,

got her stuck in the birth canal, and then decided my sister needed an emergency csection immediately....

needless to say, my niece was stuck for over 30 minutes in the birth canal, and born without a heartbeat.

They had a specialist come in from Children's as they tried to revive her, who arrived 17 minutes after she was

born, and she did manage to get her heart restarted 25 minutes after birth. She only lived 26 hours, and only

because machines were keeping her breathing. We have to bury her on Thursday and it is the hardest thing,

apart from my own miscarriage that we as a family will ever do. My sister and her husband are completely broken.

Please pray for them, and i am hoping writing this fic will aid me in the healing of my own broken heart. I got to hold her

for about 10 minutes, and posted a video on my Facebook. I will also be posting it on my blog today if you'd like to see.

She was perfect in every way, and those doctors basically murdered her. My sister had a fever and high blood pressure 5

hours prior to them asking her to start pushing, she should have had a c-section 5 hour prior, and if she had, i'd be holding

my new perfect niece, instead of mourning the loss of her innocent sweet life. Please take time to send up a prayer that

my sister pulls through this. She now has 4 angel babies looking down on her. Here is the link to my blog if you would

like to watch the video i put together for her. You will know who i am, because i am the last photo on the video and my

teary eyes say it all. Again, sorry for this fake out!!! It won't let me link my blog in this note, the link is on my profile tho :)

.


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